When Bad Paranormal Investigators Attack
by crawling sickness
Summary: The story takes place after the Career Day episode. Bill is trying to catch Count Cocofang. And a lot happens. Madness and stuff.


A/N: This story takes place after the Career Day episode. If you haven't seen it, it's about stuff and how Dib gets partnered with a paranormal investigator named Bill. Bill thinks ghosts, dinosaurs, and the Galactic Equinox aren't real while Frankinchokey and Count Cocofang are. Count Cocofang is some kind of vampire character for Cocosplodees- a kind of cereal. And Bill goes after Count Cocofang, blah da da, and while he is, Zim goes through this molt because of the Galactic Equinox. I saw two ways of spelling Mac Meaties (Mc Meaties), but I'm just going to spell it without the A. Enjoy the story.

When Bad Paranormal Investigators Attack

Dib cursed as he stepped on one of his monster action figures lying on the floor of his bedroom. He picked it up and threw it under his bed. It hit one of the mutated mice he found in an abandoned warehouse and fell over on its back and started to twitch. He sat back up on his bed and stared at his wall covered with posters of Bigfoot and Dracula and other supernatural characters. The poster that he saw most interesting was the one with Dracula. It reminded him of Bill and how Bill thought Count Cocofang was real. Not that Dib thought vampires weren't real, he knew that Count Cocofang was just some fat man in a vampire suit wanting a free supply of cereal.

He heard a light tapping on his window. Dib broke free from the trance of the poster and walked over to the window. He looked out and saw nothing but darkness. He unlocked his window and pulled it up and peered outside. Suddenly two hands sprang out and wrapped around Dib's head and pulled him out of his room. He panicked and started to scream. The hand clasped over Dib's mouth.

"Shhh little man. It's me, Bill," Bill, the confused paranormal investigator, cautiously removed his hand from Dib's mouth. Seconds later, Dib starts to scream. Again, Bill covers his mouth. "Hey, hey, hey! I need your help tonight."

Dib stopped screaming and Bill released his head and set him down. "Why do you need my help? And how are we floating in the air like this?" They both looked down at the platform they were standing on.

"Oh, heh heh. It's a Portable Utilitarian Hovering Platform 10,000," Bill stated matter-of-factly, "isn't it a beauty?" He wiped a tear from his eye. The platform slowly went down. As it reached the ground, they hopped off.

Bill walked over to his car. Dib followed him, but suddenly stopped and watched Bill walk off. He noticed he wasn't being followed by Dib and turned around to see where Dib was.

"Well, what are you waiting for? There's not much time," Bill waved his hand to Dib, signaling him to come.

"Where are we going, and why do you need me? It's cold out here!" Dib hugged himself to keep himself warm as he shivered uncontrollably.

Bill walked over and wrapped an arm around him. Dib tried to pull away, but he brought him even closer. "We're going to destroy Count Cocofang once and for all, and I will guide you every step of the way. When I grow old and die, you will take over for me," Bill replied. He waved his hand in the air as if his dreams were floating above them. "You'll save the world someday, and all because of me."

"Oh no. *You're* going to look for Count Cocofang, not me. No way am I-" Dib was cut off as Bill dragged him over to the car. The doors automatically opened. He pushed him inside and slammed the door. Dib tried to open the door, but it was locked. He kept pulling and pulling the handle, but the door stayed locked and shut. He tried another approach and punched at the door with the same results.

"The sun is about to rise in six hours. Count Cocofang is probably out feeding at this time," Bill said as he tossed the hovering platform (which has transformed into a box the size of a notebook) in the back seat of the car. He started the car and drove it out of the street across from Dib's house.

Bill took a styrofoam cup filled with Cherry Poop out of a cup holder and brought it to his mouth and sipped it. Dib sat next to him in silence.

"Hmmm.... Places where you can find vampires," Bill thought out loud, "help me out here, little man." Dib said nothing. He looked out the window and saw the Taco Bell Chihuahua trotting around a fire hydrant. "Cemeteries, dark alleys.... cemeteries." Bill banged his head on the steering wheel. He couldn't think, he needed food! He drove the car into Mc Meaties fast food restaurant parking lot and parked the car at a spot.

"Why are we at Mc Meaties?" Dib asked.

"Food commands me..." Bill replied in monotone. He got out of the car and walked over to the building. Dib got out and followed him. He was surprised to find Mc Meaties was open at 1 P.M.

Workers were cleaning the green goo that was left from Zim's hideous molt that happened that evening. One of the workers slipped on a blob of goo and fell hard on the floor.

"One large size Meatie Fries and a medium grape flavored Poop, please," ordered Bill.

"Sorry, sir. Mc Meaties is closed right now," a lady with a burger hat replied from behind the counter.

Bill's stomach growled madly. "Then why are there PEOPLE still here?" he whispered, a deadly whisper only audible to Bill and the lady, "and the lights are still ON!"

The lady yawned. "A freak accident happened earlier today. We need to clean it up to make customers happy."

"But I need food! I'll kill unless I get *food*... NOW! I... I kill you! I kill you all!" 

The lady chewed on a piece of gum, making loud smacking noises. She blew a large bubble and it popped, splattering green fragment of gum all over her face. Bill grabbed Dib's hand and marched out of Mc Meaties, dragging Dib with him.

Across the street from Mc Meaties at Buns Market, Wade, the man who dressed up as Count Cocofang that day for the autograph signing, walked out of Buns market. He didn't want to change out of his costume because he felt uneasy changing with the men that worked there. They liked to stare at him. So he kept the vampire costume on. He was holding a box of Coco Splodees and he dunked a hand into the box. He grabbed a handful of crunchy tree bark and brought it to his mouth.

Bill stood immobile across the street as he watched Wade get into his car.

Dib saw him too and jumped in front of Bill. "Wait! Stop! He's not a vampire!" he yelled. Bill didn't resist and pushed Dib away and ran after Wade.

"Stop your reign of terror, Count Cocofang!" Bill yelled. Wade turned his head to see who was yelling. He dropped his box of Coco Splodees on the ground and bolted to his car as saw that the psychopath that chased him earlier that day was after him once again. Wade stumbled into his car and slammed the door shut. As he saw Bill running towards him, he locked all the doors. He fumbled with the car keys, squinting his eyes to see them. Then he tried one of them. It didn't fit.

Wade heard a loud clatter and looked up. Bill was on the car hood, making his way to the window. Wade tried another key. It didn't fit. He turned it over, and... success! The key fit. He turned it and the car started. Bill pounded on the window, attempting to shatter it.

Wade pressed on the gas pedal and the car lurched forward making Bill slide off and drove away. Bill quickly got up ran across the street and to his car. He found Dib already seated inside.

"He's getting away! We can't afford to lose him!" Bill cried. He started the car and drove after Count Cocofang.

Dib leaned his head on the door and closed his eyes to rest but opened them suddenly to hear a mechanical click above his head. The door swung open and Dib tumbled out. He rolled across the street and stopped as his head hit the side of a pink fire hydrant. 

Bill thought if he should decide to stop and help Dib and risk losing Count Cocofang, or that he should keep going and finally end Count Cocofang's madness and leave Dib to die. He pressed harder on the gas pedal while Dib laid unconscious on the corner of the street. The Taco Bell dog approached Dib and licked his cheek.

Bill caught up with Count Cocofang and collided the car into his. Wade slammed his head on the steering wheel from the impact making the airbag explode in front of him. He couldn't see where the car was going so he stopped before he unknowingly crashes into a building.

As soon as the car completely stopped, Bill opened Wade's door and pulled him out and dragged him away from his car by his collar. He took a wooden stake out from a hidden pocket of his black trench coat.

"This madness ends here and now, Count Cocofang," Bill stepped on Wade's plump stomach to prevent him from ever lifting up and escaping. 

"Buh... Buh... But what did I do? I'm not Count Cocofang! I'm-" Bill pressed his foot harder down Wade's stomach, pushing out all the air that's in him. 

"Silence!" Bill cried. He clutched the stake with both of his hands and lifted it above his head. "Go back to hell, you monster!" and with that he jabbed the stake into Wade's chest. Warm blood oozed out of the large deep wound. He screamed out in pain. Wade tried to push Bill's foot off but his foot stayed planted on top of his chest. Bill pulled the steak back out and brought it back above his head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ashley (a.k.a Invader Zita) walked out of the candy store holding a box of Lemonhead candies. She was about to tear open the box but noticed that the box was already open. Oh come on! There couldn't possibly be anything wrong with the candy. It's not like a homicidal maniac broke into the candy store and poisoned all the candy, she thought. She popped a lemon drop in her mouth.

"Taste like..." she spat out the candy, "lotion?" Suddenly she dropped to the ground and her mouth started to foam.

"Can't breathe," she coughed out. Ashely started to shake and tremble uncontrollably 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bill thrust the stake back into Wade's chest. He hit a hard spot and pushed the stake to break through it. Clunk, crunch, crunch, moo. Blood came spewing out of Wade's chest and mouth. The stake penetrated to his heart. HE'S DEAD!

He took the stake and continuously stabbed him making black ugly holes in his stomach and chest. Blood squirted on Bill's face, but he didn't notice. Wade's internal organs emerged out of the holes and slid off to the side of his body, leaving a bloody trail of.... blood on his costume. 

Suddenly two men in white armored suits came from behind and grabbed Bill's arm and carried him away.

"Hey! What are you doing? Your man's right there! Wait, where are you taking me? What's going on?" the men threw him into a large white van and drove away to the Crazy House for Men.

The moral of the story: Eating food is good for you and the people around you.

Fini


End file.
